


LuckyNumberSeven7

by chria



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, M/M, Ninja
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-27
Updated: 2014-12-27
Packaged: 2018-03-03 21:39:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2888822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chria/pseuds/chria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke thinks Naruto has all the luck. Naruto is just a greedy sort of guy. And Sakura stays far away from the both of them. Smart lady. AU NinjaVerse! EpicAnythingAndEverythingGoesCrack! NaruSasuNaru</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Famous Last Words

**LN7 Chapter # 1 Famous Last Words**

Sasuke loathed looking at his bed. Ironically, his dislike, had nothing to do with the way his bed appeared. There was actually nothing wrong with his bed visually. The bed comprised of a small comfortable mattress on a raised slap of stone neatly covered by a thin white sheet. Plain and functional as he liked all of his personal belongings to be.

The sight of the suspiciously innocuous place of rest simply reminded him of what would occur upon its surface. He would train until he needed _to_ sleep and then he would _dream._ The finished thought left him feeling justifiably uneasy.

_Those damned dreams..._

Were slumber not a required requisite of getting stronger, he might have forgone it altogether.

He heard the Kazekage rarely slept at all. Must be nice.

If anyone were to imply he would find some semblance of solace in the old nightmarish dreams of his youth, Sasuke would have run his Kusanagi straight through their _head_ to end the implication on their tongue. Now in retrospect, he considers those bloody recollections as night time reminders of who he needed to kill, despite how frightening they were at the time.

Directing his eyes away from the irritating piece of furniture back to the steady glow of the candles set before him, Sasuke realizes, no, those old painful wounds were familiar and acted as a blanket of darkness. Something he can use in a practical way to wrap around him and strengthen his resolve. The weight of it something only he can bear.

Taking a measured breath and closing his eyes. Sasuke finally relaxes his body from its previous tense position on the floor, legs crossed, hands in his lap, back straight. Sasuke resumes his prior attempt at a meditative stance.

And fails.

As he once again is distracted by his own thoughts.

Curious on what had triggered his subconscious to respond when Sasuke had taken to as much isolation as possible.

Concern about how this would affect him while awake. Frustrated by the notion, that at least in his dream state, his sense of control is less than absolute.

And lastly, the most comfortable emotion to address: Anger. Reliving the Valley of The End in vivid detail nightly is currently preferable to the complete aggravation that is fucking _adolescence._

 _Until recently at least. Shit._ The idea put out as quickly as it lit up. Just as night time thoughts about the Valley of The End have finally decided to appear infrequently. It was assumed, his mind was settled. And satisfied with his choice. _The only choice there can be._ But before Sasuke could be pleased with this quiet acquiescence. There began an unusual shift to the confrontation itself. Highlighting details that become tinder to a different sort of fire.

The violent clash between Naruto and himself, once a primary component to his dream world. Now skimmed over, treated like an over read book that has Sasuke skipping chapters to where his mind now lingers in the aftermath. Revisiting Naruto's peaceful expression in extreme acuity, the droplets of rain lining his wet eyelashes like spider's web.

Somewhere between watching a raindrop bead up and bend a blonde lash. Sasuke blinked.

The world would cut away to reveal something worst or _better._

The intensity and heat of _those extremely frequent_ dreams torture him awake to full hardness. His libido a morning traitorous organ he did not foresee poisoning his mind and wreaking havoc on his body. Dead set against provoking himself further by means of base forms of manual stimulation. It has become a habitual practice to meditate until he is placidly in control once more.

He doesn't dare dwell on events unfolding in the dreams themselves, deeming the motivation frivolous at best. Yet, he cannot deny how affected he is by them upon awakening. His current shattered focus on meditation prime example of this. Layered by some unknown fear of what they could mean shaking the very foundation of his disciplined mind.

Sasuke acknowledges to himself he is wary for good reason. The instincts of a shinobi rising to the forefront relaying its message of danger lying ahead should he proceed. Despite this, his innate arrogance creates doubt in his caution. Enough to demand a challenge he could not ignore.

_Just this once, I'll indulge myself to show I do not fear what these pitiful dreams wish to show me._

So he allows the vision to surface and be _remembered._

Darkness and a blindfold. It hadn't occurred to Sasuke his dream would begin with a mysterious lack of visual reference. The experience alarming all other senses into rapt attention. The loss of sight electrifying enough to have him quiver with anticipation.

He knows someone is with him watching. A mischievous presence devouring every inch of him in a teasing caressive leer. "Heh. Well..." The words drawled out sensually. "Don't you look sexy." The amusement of this person's voice warming Sasuke's skin by degrees. Feeling less insulted and more...turned _on._

An arm suddenly grips his shoulder to hold him steady through his apparent urgency for contact. The trembling smoothed over by the touch allowing Sasuke to feel he can finally _breath._ The other arm caressing him in a soothing placating manner. Fingers running from his shoulder to his chest looping around in a swirl pattern about his pectoral. Around and around until his nipple is reached as the goal from the labyrinth of touches. The nub is flicked to pebbling hardness. Its twin unforgotten by mouth and teeth. The hand with a firm hold of his shoulder lets go to occupy the place the mouth was. Helping its brother by tweaking the nibbled nipple creating an exquisite dual sensation. Coarse fingertips rolling them back and forth, an unforgiving tide of pleasure while this person clearly watches.

 _Oh god, that feels good._ The ministration pulling out a long drawn out sigh from Sasuke.

"Pervert." Sasuke then manages to grunt out. The keen observation of this person too obnoxious to go unremarked.

The person groans heavily then moans somehow more noisily than Sasuke himself despite the individual being the issuer of said pleasures. A body leans over in his ear to cockily whisper something that makes Sasuke very pink.

"I love watching how hard you get for me. Even tho, ya know, there's more obvious places I could put my hands. Heh."

Sasuke doesn't need to see the absolutely filthy smirk adorning the face to know it is there. _So obscene._

The perverse language reminding Sasuke that this fool can't seem to get to those other places fast enough. So Sasuke bites. The cord of neck very inviting for his teeth.

"Ow. Still hot tho."

Getting the message for hands to be elsewhere before Sasuke decides to bite again. _I'll bite anyway. Like I have a reason not too._ The rough pads of fingers make a hasty decision to steal Sasuke's thoughts away from abusing necks to slide from his chest to smooth down his abdominal muscles which contract and shiver until he is gripped so profoundly, it has his buttocks clenching.

"Ahhh." _Finally. Yeah, keep both your hands there, stupid. And shut up._

"Hey!" The sudden yell accompanying an abrupt hold so painfully tight Sasuke mumbles a quick squeaked out apology when he realizes he said that shit out loud. "Saa...sorry. Stupid."

"Maaa...good enough." The rest lowered to a petulant grumble that still sounds arousing to Sasuke. Parts of the grumble pieced together sounds something like "-if this wasn't your dream-" and "-kick your ass-." Sasuke is unable to wonder long on the weird tidbits of conversation because those hands begin to move in such a way that curls his toes into eye twitching brain numbness.

The pace is set sensually slow. A thumb rubbing the head of his cock with each upstroke of one hand while the other _twists. Oh god. So good._

A need makes itself known. These heathen touches are so acute he is always lost to the sensation but this time he _remembers_ he wants to see his erotic tormentor.

"I want to see you." He meant to sound demanding not so damn desperate even to his own ears.

A breathy laugh answers him while the hands continue to give him an out of body experience.

"Please." _Damn._

A pleased exhale cools his shoulder in a delightful shiver.

A faster pace. It feels like a reward to Sasuke.

"I'm not stopping you." The voice states offhandedly in a sing-song manner.

Sasuke moves to lift the blindfold but his wrist is stopped and held fiercely.

"But once you see me you'll never be the same. You'll always remember you _begged_ to see me. You won't be able to _hide._ " The voice confident in Sasuke's apparent need to do so.

He is let go finger by finger then feels a warm wet mouth where the other hand used to be.

_Shit! I'm gonna cum._

But he is so close to knowing, the truth a tossed aside cloth away.

He's never been this close before.

_I gotta fucking see!_

He rips the blindfold away from his face to stare down into two entirely surprised blue eyes and a mouth stretched tightly around his cock.

The sight is terrifying in its intensity.

_What the fuck?!_

After a heartbeat of staring, the astonishment drops away from blue eyes to fall into shades of darker lust. The mouth unceremoniously giving one solid suck that obliterates Sasuke's threshold for pleasure completely.

//

Sasuke later awakens to cold darkness. The candles snuffed out from the force of well, not from whatever the hell he was doing to himself. The lack of wind to be able to do so dismissed as a technicality and blamed regardless. His hand around his cock, harder to causally ignore. His pants cold and wet from his cum, the cake of a bad day. His head aching from evidently banging it on the floor, the icing to make it worst.

The revelation chilling his bones more than the temperature around him.

Sighing out a breath. This is why meditation is necessary. His mind goes to useless places in his sleep.

_Honestly, why am I fucking surprised? Wouldn't it figure that those dreams would be about him. Do I really gotta thing for that loser?_

Doubtful. Its just punishment for his on the whim decision to let him live.

 _If I killed Naruto when I had the chance then maybe I would have something useful to dream about._ Sasuke chastises himself viciously. _And I had more than one opportunity to do so._

Deeming he will not be the only one having a bad day, a snake is released to politely demand a lesson from Orochimaru.

**Fuck.**


	2. Shut Up Or Suicide

**LN7 Chapter # 2 Shut Up Or Suicide**

After releasing the snake in a small poof of a jutsu and hearing it slither out of his room to go find his _sensei._ The title sounding distasteful due to Orochimaru simply _being_ Orochimaru. Sasuke gathers his bearings because one thing has been made clear.

_I need to feel clean. Right now._

Pushing himself up from the cool stone floor to stand on weakened legs, Sasuke strips himself of his upper Sound Village garb. Enduring the act of using the cloth to wipe the cum off obvious places on his body like his stomach. His teeth set to a slow grind when Sasuke is reaching up to wipe it off his chin as well.

_My chin? Seriously? Pretty damn far place to end up._

Tossing his shirt aside in disgust, Sasuke tries to recall a time when he has climaxed so..so vigorously. Drawing up his only other experience, the one time previous, was during an overnight mission with his former Team 7. The event an efficiently quick quiet affair done ironically to shut Naruto up.

Kakashi-sensei had taken first watch, the team silent but knowing he just wanted to finish reading his book in _privacy._

Sakura had long since by then adopted the coveted ability to sleep through whole shinobi wars given how noisy Naruto was during the day, never mind his behavior at night. Sasuke too light of one. Naruto all to eager to take advantage of having an unwilling party to hear him talk himself to sleep.

For the most part, Sasuke could listen with half an ear and that would be the end of it. But sometimes, Naruto's line of thought was so unbelievably baffling it bordered on ludicrous.

Too bad Sasuke didn't want to laugh. He wanted to sleep. And the one sided conversation this evening was hiding the way to sweet oblivion better than any well placed genjutsu.

It all started with Naruto demonstrating everything he knew about tact by subtly asking Sasuke's half asleep mind. "Hey, Sasuke, you jerk off, right?"

The question didn't bother Sasuke, bah, Naruto had asked weirder things before. So groggily he responds bleary eyes blinking. "What does it matter?" Yawning. "Go to sleep, stupid."

 _Wrong answer!_ In review of the memory, Sasuke would have given anything for the foresight to alter his reply. Enthusiastically he might add,"Yes, I do! Lots!" _Lots!_ The lie too large of a food ration pill to shallow. But just as life saving. Because in Naruto's world, if not yes, everything else is just "No."

Sasuke is at first unperturbed by Naruto's lack of rebuke to the insult. _Observation at this point._ Until, a sort of heaviness rests between his shoulder blades. A shimmy of his shoulders doesn't displace it. This is what unsettles him. He later identifies the odd feeling as dread.

Naruto squints his eyes and whispers the question to himself. Even though, it seems it should have been directed at Sasuke, the horror, plain in his tone. "So...you're _not_ using it?"

//

Four hours later...

Sasuke's worry-wort of a teammate is found to continue to transcend all previous records of trying to talk someone to _death with stupid._

Naruto would simply not cease his unrelenting superstitious prattling of concerns about the "use it or lose it" onryō. A vengeful spirit said to attack young boys in the dead of night and run away with their so called "unused" privates.

Thoughts of discovering and murdering whoever placed this ridiculous ghost story in the mind of a gullible idiot. Especially this gullible idiot. End up being the only thing keeping his soul from departing, it clings to him by a just barely there thread. Sasuke fantasizes. _He hopes its Kiba. He would be fun to kill. Better yet. Kakashi._ Meanwhile his soul tugs on the string to break loose and begs a return to the great void. Where Naruto is no longer talking.

Finally convincing his soul there being a difference between death and sleep. Death being far too permanent a solution to Sasuke. He has an epiphany.

Sasuke sullenly gazes at Naruto with one blood shot eye and inquires if jerking off would settle the matter. Wouldn't he therefore be protected from the wrath of such a spirit? Naruto murmuring his agreement with a slow-witted "I guess." He not quite understanding what Sasuke meant by asking. Sasuke is sure his triumphant smile would have given it away. _Ha!_

Naruto doesn't realize what's going on, until Sasuke took his "hands on" approach to the dilemma with a rustle of his sleeping bag and a stuttering panting of his breath. Naruto proceeded to squawk in a low panicked voice "-I didn't know you meant right now, you bastard!" Sasuke had looked back at him with a "When did you think I meant?" expression and snapped "Na-ru-to, shut up 'cause its your fault anyways." The name curling far more intimately around his tongue because of the rowdy activity of his hands in his sleeping bad. Naruto paled but obeyed with snap of his jaw and flopped backwards onto his own sleeping bag. It was worth it for the blissful 2 1/2 minutes Naruto was too dumbfounded to speak again. His climax not much of anything worth being memorable. Naruto's "-was that it?" echoing his own thoughts.

Taking satisfaction instead from proving to Naruto, he wasn't lying that his bodily functions work just fine as is. Nothing was "stolen" from him and it's all still "there." And dear god, there will be no missions in the future to recover Sasuke's ability to procreate. Naruto wanted to check. But that's where Sasuke drew the line. Unless Naruto wanted to later have a mission to recover _his_ ability to procreate. Naruto had then wisely taken Sasuke at his word.

It still didn't save Sasuke from Naruto then being flabbergasted by Sasuke's lack of enjoyment altogether on what Naruto would call "pullin' the noodle." Naruto going as far to assert the ability to do so the best thing about being male.

After hearing it out loud to himself, Naruto, apparently reconsiders and then relegates the activity to "Not as great as ramen tho". Beaming a loony smile, he proceeds to brag about everything that goes into his stomach as supposed to what comes out of his dick, a list of priorities meant to seem impressive to Sasuke. But thoroughly disturbing him. Sasuke turning away from Naruto and looking to the lightening sky for the guidance of his ancestors to help him escape the conversation altogether.

//

Sasuke remembers the next day not being so bad. Kakashi only giggles _a little_ every time Naruto apologizes to Sasuke for "Keeping him up all night long." Sakura's questions and Naruto's bad lying making the night seem far more scandalous than the disappointment of a masturbation session that it was. The day then carrying on into night without incident as Naruto was drooling on himself in slumber long before Sasuke got a chance to be bothered by it. Sasuke shooting a prayer of thanks to his ancestors for a rare night of peace and quiet.

Sasuke is pleased with himself at having taken advantage of every second. It being the last time he has had any peace of mind. Not long after, Sasuke's quest for power led him to right where he is standing currently. No regrets. No one to stand in his way. The death of his brother a forgone conclusion along this path he carves out for himself.

Sasuke feels strangely reassured by the terrible first time of "pullin' the noodle." The idiotic euphemism making him snicker. There was nothing romantic or special about it.

Just like kissing Naruto the first time or even the second time. There was nothing remarkable about it. It was just something that happened. He was just _there._ Just another dumb thing that happened while Naruto was in the general vicinity.

_So if the dumbass is gonna be in my dream, of course it's gonna be about something stupid._

And thus all subconscious mentation _would_ react equally as foolish, a logical consequence of merely being associated with Naruto.

Sasuke, inordinately gratified with skillfully being able to disentangle his thoughts and emotions into an orderly sense of self, savors the moment.

_Nice to have everything figured out. Not that it could have been any other way._

A soft wet plop hits Sasuke, interrupting his inward victory, dampening the top of his scalp. Sasuke runs fingers through his hair to gather whatever it was that fell on him. Then rubbing the substance between his fingertips. The texture feels strange. Familiar.

_Hmm...sticky. Almost like..._

Looking up Sasuke sees something unexpected. Then tilling his head sideways, needing a moment to cognitively process the startling potency of his orgasm to reach such...heights.

_It even hit the fucking ceiling?!_

Closing his eyes to contain his anger, Sasuke growls in extreme fury. Eyes snap open. Sharingan active. Sasuke moves through the needed hand seals in a rapid pace and attacks the spot on the ceiling like a dragon. Unleashing a low level fire release jutsu. Flames rush from his lips to engulf the point in a streak of hellfire. His mastery of the skill made clear by brutal precision. Sasuke waits until the surrounding stone around the _blemish_ become lava red in color to end his one manned Armageddon. The charred burn spot that remains so pleasing a sight, it soothes Sharingan back into deactivation.

Smiling derisively at the area, he plans to explain how it occurred to no one. The darkness of his room hiding the scorch mark in a pinky promise.

Divesting himself of his pants to stand naked within his room. The temperature, a pleasant one for nudity.

 _Wonder why that is._ A dry laugh follows the thought.

Sasuke adds his soiled pants to the ruined shirt he tossed aside earlier. Incinerating the garments to the delight of Sasuke's new found affection for pyromania.

_Burn. Baby. Burn._

Turning himself toward the direction of his private wash room, Sasuke sashays his way over. Opening and closing the door behind him. Hopping into the shower without preamble for cold tiles overeager in his anticipation for nice hot shower. Motivated to rid himself of all residual evidence. And finally feel _clean._

Sasuke immediately turns the nob full force to the preferred water temperature of a thermal spring.

The steamy contact of the water such a salve to the apprehension living under his skin, he almost forgets he ever had that strange dream about Naruto in the first place.

With the remembrance of it becoming increasingly materialized, Sasuke looks down to find a distraction away from his thoughts.

Dark jaw length bangs adhere to his face, obscuring the environment around him. The view of the drain between his feet dominating his vision below.

Sasuke doesn't realize there was anything peculiar about his keen interest of following the water spiraling downwards into the drain. The common everyday phenomenon known as a whirlpool. Naruto's likely namesake floats to the surface. Snarling. Sasuke stomps on the drain. Repeatedly. Water splashing about. His foot unable to prevent Sasuke's great embarrassment of having _yet_ another thought of Naruto infiltrate his mind.

_God damnit! Next thing you know, I'm gonna be thinking about Naruto while taking a shit!_

Sasuke covers his face with his hands. Groaning.

The heat of embarrassment moves from his face to the rest of his body causing the water to become suddenly sensitive against his skin. The wisp of tingles prickling his skin was enough sensation for other parts to show their interest as well. Hopeful for another round.

Angrily turning the nob in the other direction. He watches the part withdraw in defeat.

_Hn._

Stewing with the frigid water petting him, he plots his revenge. A wicked smile to pair with the fire dancing in his eyes.

_I'm going to kill that fucker. No whim. No mercy. Just death._

//

Stepping back into his room with a soft white towel around his waist, Sasuke is relieved to see his snake has returned.

The foot long snake, matte black in color, coiled comfortably in the center of his room. Sasuke's presence drawing its attention to peer at him, flicking its forked tongue, as it waits for Sasuke to give the signal.

The soullessness of the creature unable to convey whether its message will have a favorable outcome or just another delay.

_Hopefully it brought good news. No bullshit. Again._

After reaching out his hand. The snake poofs out of existence.

The retrieved message on play back causes Sasuke to pale and promptly throw up.


End file.
